Status Dogs

It is a truth universally acknowledged that a tattooed face is rarely the mark of a lofty intellect.

I saw a bloke today who did nothing to dispel this belief. his neanderthal gait (made worse by the jeans that hung around his knees), his murderous scowl, and his extravagantly aggressive dog only served to make matters worse.

If anything, these factors only served to heighten the overall impression that here was a man who had tattooed his face because - well - he couldn't imagine why this might be a bad idea.

I didn't manage to make out what the tattoo actually was because staring at a man with a tattooed face and a dog that looks like a Tazmanian devil on steroids, is actually an even worse idea than having a tattoo on your face in the first place.

Anyway the point is actually not the tattoo but the dog. Which is why there is a picture of a dog on this blog. And not a tattoo.

Lately there seems to be more and more young blokes walking around with big, scary, intimidating dogs. They are brandished like weapons.

The press have started calling them "status dogs", because the are used by gang members to confer status on the owner. But what about the status of the dog? I should imagine that having to walk around chained to a man with a tattooed face doesn't do anything for the dog's self-esteem. It's cruel. That's what it is. Someone should call the RSPCA.

One thing that I will say for Mr Tattoo-Face though. At least he picked up his dog's crap. So good on him for that. And he didn't kill me. So that's good too.

Instead he just waddled on down the street, his scowling tattooed face staring straight ahead, a rottweiler on a lead in one hand and a Lidl bag full of dogshit in the other.

Brown - Sugar

Congratulations to Sir Alan Sugar (pictured left) on his appointment to the Cabinet today.

Considering he "doesn't like bullshitters", he's certainly picked himself a fine bunch of folks to hang out with.

Sir Alan will be Secretary of State for Empathy and Bonhomie and will be advising Gordon Brown on how to be liked. Good luck to the pair of them.

I'm glad that Sir Alan will be helping to run the country. He has a proven track record of success. After all, every home has an Amstrad computer and Spurs have won the European Cup seven times.

Even this great news, however, can't take the edge off the sad loss of David Carradine, who was found hanging in his hotel room this morning. Maybe it was suicide. Or it may have been a kinky sex act gone wrong. But as a life-long fan of Carradine, I can't accept either of these explanations. I prefer to believe that he was hanging his coat in the wardrobe and forgot to take it off first.

The loss of Carradine is a tragedy. Had he lived he might have been in the Cabinet by the end of the month.

Sam Brady Stand-up Comedian

Guess where I'm off to...

I think voting is boring and I don't want to do it.

On the other hand, I don't fancy the prospect of racist lunatics representing me in Europe (or anywhere else) this year. True, the mainstream parties are a bunch of money-grabbing, blood-sucking, free-loading parasites. But even so, I will be getting off my lazy arse and strolling down to the polls. 

My grandad went through several years of hell in the 1940's. And I think it would be a shame if, having fought a World War to get the Nazis out of Europe, we let them sneak back in just because some MPs stole our money to pay for porn and moats.

*************************

UKIP are complaining of foul-play in today's election. Apparently, those fiendish volunteers at the polls have been foxing UKIP voters by folding the ballot papers in half!

This has prevented all those idiots who would have voted UKIP - but were too dumb to actually unfold the ballot paper - from exercising their democratic right to plunge us all into right-wing darkness.

Unfortunately, parties are listed alphabetically, so the BNP is right there at the top, meaning that their voters are spared the Krypton Factor style challenge of having to unfold anything.

So please go and vote. Preferably for someone who doesn't deny the Holocaust.

Have a good day.

Sam x

Sam Brady Stand-up Comedian