If It Ain't Broke...

I won’t be getting Election Fever this year. I’ve been innoculated against it by 41 years of hype and disappointment. However, since I’m going to have to live with the outcome of this ruddy debacle, I suppose I’d better get involved with it.

Yesterday’s election theme was “Electoral Reform”. A lot of people seem to be getting excited about Proportional Representation. (I know... get a life!)

Personally, I think it’s a daft idea. After all, wasn’t that the electoral method that made Nick Griffin MEP for the North West? I wouldn’t mind but he’s not even from the North West! (They come over here taking our jobs...)

That’s the problem with Proportional Representation. It tends to give a slice of power to exactly the kind of people who should never have it – the kind of people you wouldn’t leave in charge of a pan of hot milk, let alone a nation.

The only sensible people who want Proportional Representation are the Lib Dems. And fair enough – in the long run, it’s the only way they are ever going to have a proper say.

The other two main parties don’t like it though.

Despite constantly telling us that they want “Change”, the Tories are fairly keen that the electoral system stays just the way it is. And who can blame them? Short of them getting a credible leader or some actual policies, the First Past the Post system is probably their best chance of being elected in future.

Labour don’t want to change it either. It’s the last thing they want. But they have to pretend to be a bit flexible just in case they need to do a deal with the Lib Dems after the election.

Anyway, the point is that, for once, I think that Labour and the Conservatives are right. So here are four good reasons not to adopt Proportional Representation.

Reason 1: The Scottish National Party

Scotland has got lots of oil. If Scotland became independent of Britain, they could lord it over us in the same way that the oil-rich nations of the Middle East do today. That means they could do anything and we would have to carry on being nice to them. The Scots might well follow other oil barons and buy up all our best football clubs. (Let’s face it – theirs are crap.) Before you know it they’ll have enormous yachts, racehorses and an atrocious human rights record. And we’ll have to grin and bear it.

Reason 2: Plaid Cymru

The Welsh have no oil. They used to have loads of coal but those days are sadly over. Now they have to eke out a living running caravan parks and down-at-heel fun fairs. And all in the pissing rain. They don’t really want power as such. What would they do with it? But a bit of sympathy wouldn’t go amiss. And they do like a good moan.

Reason 3: The British National Party

Although they are not a racist party, and have no links at all to Nazi ideology, they still want anyone who is not pinky-white to go and live somewhere else. They also don’t like gay people, although it’s unclear exactly what they would do with them. Send them back to Queerland, probably.

The BNP don’t have a clue about running the country or representing their constituency. They are also a bit shaky on History. And facts. But what they lack in actual knowledge, they make up for in enthusiasm. At least their supporters will bother to vote.

Nick Griffin is rumoured to be stepping down after the election in favour of someone who doesn’t come across as quite so much of a snivelling fascist worm. It will probably be a nice, cuddly, middle-aged woman with a respectable husband and well-behaved children. I’m guessing this time they will go for someone who has never been filmed doing a Nazi salute or gone on record as saying the holocaust never happened.

Reason 4: The UK Independence Party

They want us to get out of Europe and they want to make sure we keep the pound. I’m not sure how either of these things would help us. But it would certainly make the UKIP people feel better about life. UKIP seems to be made up of extremely posh old men who wish they were still living in 1929. Some people suspect that UKIP share the BNP’s hatred of everyone who is black, or gay, or who speaks with a funny accent. But unlike the BNP, the UKIP chaps are far too decent to make such a song and dance about it. They might be bonkers, but they are not vulgar.

So there you have it. The First Past the Post system has one simple advantage over Proportional Representation – it protects the sane majority against the lunatic minority. It’s a kind of filter through which extreme Nationalist views have so far failed to pass.

And, frankly, thank goodness for that.