I need jokes - now!

So, three days to go until my 10 minute spot in the Black Country, and I still only have 5 minutes of material.

Help!

I've been a bit busy recently getting married and doing my day job. Haven't had much time to weave comedy magic.

I'm thinking of doing some stuff about positivity. I'm thinking about talking about a retreat I went on in the US where I learned about being positive and full of self-love. I came back to Britain and thought: Imagine a Britain where everyone was full of love and positivity, where a person could stand up on a train and declare "I am a good and worthwhile person - I'm a talented and beautiful human being" - and everyone on the train would clap and cheer. 

That would be really annoying wouldn't it?

British people don't like that sort of thing. We're not keen on celebrating success. But failure - there's a real cause for celebration - especially when it's someone else failure.

We all want to be good, kind people. I'm very keen on empathy and compassion. But when I see someone trip and fall on their arse I laugh my tits off.

Like I said...

...help!!