Man Flu

"Hi Sam. How are you?"

"Fine thanks. Apart from a bit of a cold."

"Ah. Man Flu."

"Er... no... a bit of a cold."

She was only trying to be friendly. She hadn't phoned up to discuss my health. She was actually calling to offer me a job, for which I should probably have been more grateful.

But she said two words which are guaranteed to get under my skin.

Man Flu.

What is this obsession with Man Flu? Every time a bloke sneezes - "Ho ho! Man Flu!"

Even men are at it now. I've actually heard a man say to another man - "I've got Man Flu." Good God, mate, where's your dignity? You're a disgrace to your gender.

The whole premise behind Man Flu is that men make a terrible fuss if they feel a little bit ill, craving sympathy and lying round doing nothing. Women, on the other hand, just knuckle down and get on with things without complaint, no matter how ill they are. A woman could lose a limb, and she'd still run a department, get the kids to school, do the shopping, take the bins out, go to the hospital to get the limb sewn back on, and still be at parents evening on time with a list of colour-coded bullet points to discuss.

What a load of cobblers!

If this were true, I can't help thinking history would have been a bit different. If Our Lads had spent the First World War lying in the trenches whining, "I don't feel well," where would we be now? We'd have had a German royal family and be ruled by Europe. (Hmmm...imagine that.)

And just think of Florence Nightingale and Mary Seacole in the Crimean War.

"Come on Corporal, shape yourself! It's only Man Flu!"

"But I've got no legs."

"Oooh! Men! Give us that rifle. If you want a job doing properly..."

But, hang on, Sam, you might say, Man Flu is real. Scientists say it is. I read it in the paper.

Yes I read that too:

"Men succumb to manflu because women have stronger immune systems, claim scientists." The Daily Telegraph, May 12 2009

"Man flu is not a myth: Female hormones give women stronger immune systems." Daily Mail, May 13 2009

"Man flu: it really does exist, girls." Daily Star, May 14 2009

"Hormone is aid to girls' protection." Daily Mirror, 14 May 2009

But when you read the words "Scientists say" in a newspaper, it's usually bollocks. And this is no exception:

"The research this story is based on did not look at infection with flu viruses, and cannot prove whether ‘man flu’ exists or not... Only one infectious agent was used in this study: a bacterium called Listeria that causes food poisoning. Flu is caused by a virus, as are most colds... These results cannot be directly extrapolated to infer a gender difference in flu in humans."

NHS Choices Website

The truth is that it's the same for men and women. There are some of us who take pride in battling on even when we're at death's door. And there are those who take every opportunity to lay in bed watching day time telly. And for all of us, there are things we feel motivated to do no matter how ill we are, and those things we will find an excuse not to do, given half a chance.

As it happens - even though I have a cold - I did a full day's work yesterday, and wrote a blog post, and took my car for an MOT, and mucked a horse out, and did the shopping, and wrote some jokes.

And No, ladies. I do NOT want a ruddy medal.

Now, you might be sitting there thinking, "OK Sam. But when this woman rang you to offer you a job, why did you tell her you had a cold? She didn't need to know that. Looking for a bit of sympathy, were we? Looking for a bit of female TLC? What a sad old man you really are." Or something along those lines.

But the only reason I told her I had a cold was because my voice was croaky and my nose was blocked and my friend who had called a few minutes earlier had said I sounded like I'd been crying. I mean - crying! A man of my Northern, working class, rugby league playing credentials! I couldn't have this woman thinking I'd been crying, could I? Well, could I?

Anyway, the point is this. Let's stop saying "Man Flu." It was funny at first but now the joke's over. It's a bit sexist. And a bit boring. And quite wrong.

And, by the way, my cold's getting better now . Thanks for asking.