Vote For Change?

I was very excited yesterday when I received a letter from David Mowat, our Conservative candidate, telling us all about why we should vote for him.

"Give me five minutes of your time and your vote," he said, "I will give you five years of mine."

Well, that sounds very generous!

But hang on a minute. There's nearly two hundred thousand people in Warrington. If we each give him five minutes of our time, that's a million minutes. Which is actually nearly two years. So we'd be giving him two years of our time.

That seems a lot less dramatic than the "five minutes for five years" originally offered. But even so, we're getting five years in exchange for two. So we're still getting a good deal.

Or are we? Apparently not. It turns out that David isn't giving us his time at all. He actually wants paying for it. He isn't, as first seemed, offering to perform the role of MP for nothing. He's kind of hoping to get about £325,000 for his trouble (although the prospects for prodigious expense claims are not what they used to be).

Change

Of course, we, the voters, won't go empty-handed either. In return for the million minutes we collectively spend voting for him, he promises to give us CHANGE.

David likes "Change". He talks about it a lot. There's a basic assumption that "Change" is good.

But I'm not sure if "Change" is good. It all depends a bit on what it is he's thinking of changing.

Having read his letter, I'm still not really sure what he's got in mind. And, to be honest, he doesn't seem at all sure himself. Or, if he is, he's decided to keep it a secret for the time being. Perhaps he wants to give us all a little surprise later on.

Surprise!

But, just like "Change", surprises aren't always welcome. If it was surprises I wanted, I probably would have voted for Jeremy Beadle. Jeremy would at least have spiced up Prime Minister's Question Time. "Oh my God, there's a suicide bomber in the Chamber! Oh no...ha ha ha...it's just the Home Secretary wearing a rucksack and a funny false beard!"

But I'm a bit worried about David Mowat. I'm worried in case he changes things that I would rather not change.

What if he changes all the road signs and replaces them with huge sticks of Peparami? What if he changes our hospitals and turns them into jungle-themed fun parks complete with performing animals? What if he repeals the law of gravity and we all float into space? Speaking personally, those are changes I wouldn't want to see.

Then, on the other hand, he might have some great ideas for change. What if he wants to change the rules of cricket so that the players all have to wear enormous rubber boots like they used to on It's A Knockout? That would be marvellous! Or he might be thinking of changing the way we experience time so that we can go backwards as well as forwards! That would be cool. Although it could be quite confusing, I suppose.

Anyway, whatever these CHANGES turn out to be, we are assured that life will be better for families. And the poor. And the sick. And young people. And old people. And... well... everyone. Particularly David Mowat. He will be cockahoop with his swanky new job. Blimey. He already writes to us every month. What will he be like if he actually gets elected? There'll be no shutting him up!

Why Vote for Change?

David assures us that he won't be the only one with a new job. There'll be more jobs for us too. (Phew! Thank goodness.) And the economy, well, that will be brilliant.

He will also give us better local healthcare. Although - like the five years of he time he said he'd give us - he doesn't mention that we might have to pay for it.

But How Will This Miracle Happen?

So how will all this be achieved? Well, David doesn't go into details. He probably didn't have enough space to fit it all in - after all, this latest mailshot is only 4 tabloid-sized pages long.

But who knows. Maybe someday David Mowat and his chums will get around to telling us what they are actually going to do.

Now that would make a "Change".