Buddhism, Beer and Crap Telly

In my stand-up, I often refer to the fact that I'm a Buddhist. And I do a couple of gags about meditation and rebirth and people laugh.

But a part of me feels a little bit dirty. Because I don't believe in or practice a lot of things that people expect Buddhists to. I don't even know whether I should be calling myself "a Buddhist" at all.

The problem is with the label. When I say "I am a Buddhist ", what people seem to hear is "I conform to a set of behaviours that qualify me to be a part of the group known as BUDDHISTS". And being a member of Genus Buddhistus seems to invoke all sorts of weird expectations from people. Like believing in reincarnation, knowing kung fu and saying "Ah, grasshopper!"

But hang on. It's even worse than that. There are some people you meet who actually know a bit about Buddhism. They know it's about wisdom and compassion. They know it's about being mindful and calm and kind. And they ask awkward questions as to why you are none of those things. And they say stuff like, "But I thought Buddhists didn't...."

Don't get me wrong. As far as I'm concerned the Buddha had things pretty much spot on. Every day, in my life, I see his teachings proved right, time and time again. In short, he was one clever son of a gun. And I do try to keep in him mind and let his wisdom inform my daily life. Honest. But it's bloody hard to live up to. And some times I... well... I can't be arsed.

In Buddhism we talk about "going for refuge" to the Buddha. This means facing up to life's uncomfortable truths and shunning all other false comforts, like chocolate and alcohol and crap telly.

Right now, as I write this, I am going for refuge to Buddha. I feel steeped in an awareness of the unsatisfactoriness of conditioned existence.

But in about 5 minutes, I'll be going for refuge to Rugby League, a large bag of cheese and onion crisps and a bottle of Marston's Pedigree. Believe me, the Buddha will be the last thing on my mind.

The goal of Buddhism is to gain Enlightenment. But, if I'm honest, I don't believe that I can become Enlightened.

I'd like to be an ardent meditator. But I can't even sit still for five minutes without thinking about naked ladies.

I'd like to renounce alcohol and keep a clear mind. But I really really like beer. I mean really.

I'd like to transcend my ego. But being on stage and hearing people laugh and clap and cheer is much more fun by a mile.

So the fact is, I make for a pretty rubbish Buddhist. And - here's the controversial bit - if you know any Buddhists, be nice to them. Because they are probably pretty rubbish at it too.

One of the best talks on Buddhism I have ever heard was by a lovely and clever man called Ratnaguna who (paraphrasing Shin Ran) said something like, "I am a total divvy! But you are all total divvies too!"

And he was right. We are all total divvies.

The worst kind of foolishness is to take ourselves too seriously. And "Buddhist" seems like a pretty serious thing to be.

So that's it. I'm not a Buddhist. Like the rest of mankind, I'm just a ruddy idiot.

But then you all knew that.

Didn't you?