Happy New Year

Happy New Year to you all!

To celebrate, here is a picture of me measuring up to Basketball hero, Gregor Fucka. This is humour at it's most childish and puerile. But I kind of like it.

Have a great evening and may 2009 be all you wish it to be.

love

Sam x

Sam Brady Stand-up Comedian

Sam the Marketing Guru

If the comedy doesn't work out I won't be taking up a career in Marketing.

Following my publication of that wonderful picture of me with His Holiness the Dalai Lama, and my account of his ringing (and totally bogus) endorsment, the total number of people who have signed up for the Sam Brady Newsletter currently stands at 2!

That wouldn't be so bad except for the fact that both of these individuals are the same 2 people who regularly read and comment on my blogs anyway.

I have thought about doing an expensive correspondence course in Internet Marketing. Or maybe buying one of those mailing lists where you spam everyone in the world.

But on reflection I think I'll just try and write some good jokes. In the long run, that's probably the best strategy.

love

Sam x

Sam Brady Stand-up Comedian (no...honestly)

Saturday Night Ramblings

Today I fell off a horse. A big horse. It hurt.

Now, as I sit here trying to numb the pain with Coniston Bluebird Bitter, I'm wondering what the hell I am thinking of - at my age - taking up horse riding. The same thing might be said for stand-up comedy.

Both offer the prospect of lasting damage (one physical, the other psychological) and both present regular opportunties to make a total tit of myself in front of a crowd of people.

OK so let's be honest, there are two reasons why do comedy (I why I fall off horses every Saturday).

1. My shameless need for attention means that every opportunity to make a tit of myself seems to carry a strange appeal.

2. Failure just makes me more determined. If I fall off a horse, I want to get back on (with difficulty - but I get back on). If an audience don't like me, I want to come back and make them like me.

The weird thing is that these characteristics get stronger as I get older. The more flabby, stiff and decrepit I become, the more defiant I become. And why not? I am, after all, Invincible.

Or maybe that's just the Coniston Bluebird Bitter talking.

love

Sam x

Sam Brady Stand-up Comedian

Goals for 2009

I've been thinking about what I want to achieve in 2009. Where am I going with all this comedy malarkey and what do I want out of it over the next 12 months?

Well, the first thing I want to do is to get some decent material. I reckon I've got about 7 minutes worth of tried and tested material that works consistently. I'd like to build this up to at least 30 minutes. This would put me in the frame for longer (paid) sets. So, Goal #1: Get 30 minutes of tried and tested material.

Secondly, I need to continue to improve my stage skills. The best way to do this is to get as much stage time as possible. My aim is to do a gig a week from January to March and see how that goes. I'm also thinking of going on a stand-up comedy course and getting advice and feedback from professional comedians. I'm also hoping to do some MCing, which is great experience and generates a lot of stage time. Goal #2: Improve my stage skills.

Thirdly, I'd like to get my friends, family and (dare I say it) fans more involved. A journey is much more fun when you've got other people to share it with. Whether I become a comedy legend or a failed entertainer, it would be good to have people to talk about it with later. MaybeI'll  do a special 40th birthday show for friends and family. I don't know yet. Goal #3: Share the journey with my friends and family.

Finally, my most important goal is to ensure that my wife and daughter still see me often enought to remember what I look like. This is why I don't just pack it all up and move to London and gig 7 nights a week. My family is the most important thing in my life - the comedy works around them. Goal #4: Keep comedy in perspective and enjoy family life.

Dalai Lama: "Sam Brady's New Newsletter is Crazy!"

The Dalai Lama likes a good laugh as much as the next man.

That's why he is delighted that I'm going to be doing a new monthly newsletter starting this month. Probably. 

But you don't have to be a great spiritual leader to enjoy my home-spun brand of boob jokes and nob gags. Anyone can do it. If they can read English and they have access to the internet. Which I'm guessing you do.

Anyway the newsletter will include a review of what I've been up to over the last month, plus maybe some bits of video and other stuff that isn't on the blog.

It's handy if you don't have time to be visiting the blog every day - ideal whether you are busy fighting the credit crunch or simply trying to get your country back from the Chinese.

To sign up, just type your email address into the form in the right hand margin of this page. If you get fed up with me sending you my half-baked ravings, you can always change your mind and unsubscribe later.

Have a good week.

love

Sam x

Sam Brady Stand-up Comedian

Surviving in the Bush

Last Thursday (4th December) I played the Holly Bush Tavern in Cradley Heath for the first time.

The Bush is a smallish pub in the Black Country with a tiny back room where comedy legends are born. I hope.

I really enjoyed the gig and my stuff went down very well. 

This was not a crowd of middle-class "chin strokers". To be honest it was hardly a crowd at all - there were only about 20 people there. But what they lacked in numbers they made up for in good down-to-earth feedback. 

I came out of it well. At the end of my set, one audience member rose from his seat and raised his hands in the air cheering as if he was at a Birmingham-West Brom derby match. I wasn't sure if he liked the material or if he was cheering because I had finished. To my relief he later informed me that I was a top bloke and funny as f*ck. He was my favourite punter ever.

I had been worried because I only had 5 minutes of tried and tested material. I was planning to tag another 5 minutes of new stuff onto the end of this. In the end, I decided just to add something new into each section of the existing set and stretch it out to 10 minutes. It worked!

Everything went down well apart from the routine about "our Sheila's boob job" which flagged a bit. It usually goes really well but I made a mistake - I said the word "darkness" when I usually say "shadow". I've found that this simple detail makes an unbelievable difference to the effectiveness of the joke. I need to rehearse it and rehearse it to embed the word "shadow" in my brain for next time.

I haven't got any more gigs planned until 5th January - but I aim to do at least 50 gigs in 2009. There's also the chance that I might get asked to stand in for someone at the last minute at the Frog, which I find hard to resist.

Sam Brady Stand-up Comedian

Coming Out of the Comedy Closet

Since I started out on this comedy lark I've been really chuffed about the way that friends, family and colleagues have got behind me.

Standing up in front of strangers and trying to make them laugh would be a whole lot more daunting if I didn't feel that somebody somewhere was on my side.

Generally, when people who know me find out I am doing stand-up, their first reaction is one of disbelief. "Comedy? What? You?"

But the initial shock is usually followed by, "I'd love to come and see you do your stuff - when are you next on?"

At this point, I usually freeze and make excuses. "Well maybe you could come and see me in a few months when I'm a bit funnier," I stutter.

But maybe I shouldn't keep hiding from you all. It's time to come out of the comedy closet. OK so a professional comic advised me to wait a year before inviting friends to come and watch me - but since when did I listen to good advice?

So I'm inviting you - no, entreating you - hmmm, I may possibly even beg you - to look at the gig list (there's a link on this blog) and find out when I'm on near you. 

OK so you might come on a bad night when I'm total crap and I die on my arse. So what? That's part of the adventure.

If I become a comedy legend - you can say "I was there at the start!" 

Or if I end up a lonely old  drunk, sleeping in a gutter somewhere, you can say "I always said he wasn't funny." Either way you're a winner!

Hope to see you soon.

love

Sam x

Sam Brady Stand-up Comedian

The Gigs Come Rolling In

Yesterday I got four new bookings for 2009.

By pestering Hannah at the Frog & Bucket persistently over the past month, I got 3 bookings for the Beat the Frog gong show. One of my goals for 2009 is to get into the Beat The Frog World Series, which is a fairly prestigious competition for new comics and looks good on the old C.V.

Feel free to come and support me at Beat the Frog. Even though I've survived the gong before, there is no guarantee that I'll do it again. But it's a great night out and, even if I die on my arse, you'll be sure to have a good time.

The other booking I got yesterday is for the Smirking Room in Leeds. I think it's a ten minute open spot (i.e. no gong) but i was so excited I forgot to check. I've never done that one before. Will the Yorkshire people hate me? Of course they will! Should be fun.

All the dates of my forthcoming gigs are here on the website, listed under the ingenius title of Forthcoming Gigs. Let me know if you need more info.

love

Sam x

Sam Brady Stand-up Comedian

I need jokes - now!

So, three days to go until my 10 minute spot in the Black Country, and I still only have 5 minutes of material.

Help!

I've been a bit busy recently getting married and doing my day job. Haven't had much time to weave comedy magic.

I'm thinking of doing some stuff about positivity. I'm thinking about talking about a retreat I went on in the US where I learned about being positive and full of self-love. I came back to Britain and thought: Imagine a Britain where everyone was full of love and positivity, where a person could stand up on a train and declare "I am a good and worthwhile person - I'm a talented and beautiful human being" - and everyone on the train would clap and cheer. 

That would be really annoying wouldn't it?

British people don't like that sort of thing. We're not keen on celebrating success. But failure - there's a real cause for celebration - especially when it's someone else failure.

We all want to be good, kind people. I'm very keen on empathy and compassion. But when I see someone trip and fall on their arse I laugh my tits off.

Like I said...

...help!!

Sam Brady's Video Podcast Adventure Thingee

I've been thinking recently about ways to develop material by sharing new ideas with friends and fans on-line.

The best (in fact only) way to develop material is to perform it for an audience. That's why stage time is so crucial. But you can only cram in so much stage time - especially if you have a day job.

So how would you feel if I presented some of my blog posts by video rather than text? Or what if I performed some stuff in development to camera and posted it? Or what other ideas should I use to help you to help me to become a comedy legend? Your ideas would be very welcome.

Yesterday, Stuart Morrison, who runs The Gag Factory comedy club in Guilford, started Gag Factory TV - an online channel for comedians, comedy promoters and comedy fans. He is thinking along the same lines as me and is trying to come up with ways for new comedians to interact with the world. Check out his first video here.

The Second Five Minutes

My next gig is a 10 minute open spot. No gong. Hooray! But it means I need to build another five minutes onto the back of my current 5 minute set. I'm wondering what to do.

My first five minutes is fairly gag-intensive - mainly because I developed it at gong-shows where you've got to keep people laughing the whole time.

But I'm thinking that it might be good to have a change of pace after the first 5 minutes, as gag after gag after gag can get boring. So maybe I could try a longer story that builds to a punchline.

One format I have tried in my previous incarnation as Tony Cannelloni, was to use an embarrassing story. I once did a gig for a Buddhist audience where I told a story about a woman who had collapsed in the shrine room. Tony gives her the kiss of life and then asks her how she is feeling. "Wonderful!" She says, "Just let me finish my prostrations and we can do it all again!"

OK so that joke might need some explanation. 

When a Buddhist is prostrating, they throw themselves down on the floor in supplication to the Buddha as an act of worship. However, Tony, not knowing this, thought she had fainted. By leaping on the woman, loosening her blouse and giving her mouth to mouth, Tony was making something of a faux pas. With that punchline, the Buddhist audience were suddenly aware of the toe-curling cringe-worthiness of the situation and howled with laughter. Job done.

However, I doubt that a crowd of drinkers in a pub in the Black Country will get the "prostration" reference. 

Anyway, the point is I am trying to come up with an example of an embarrassing misunderstanding on which to build a new story. 

Any thoughts?

Sam Brady Stand-up Comedian

Pregnant Man! It's a Miracle!

There are some interesting stories in the news at the moment.

I was amazed to see that Thomas Beatie, the US "pregnant man" who gave birth to a daughter in June, is expecting his second child.

This is a bloke who had a baby! It's a miracle! 

I mean, ok, he did used to be a woman. 

But he had a sex-change operation and now he's legally a man.  

And, ok, this sex-change - he had his breasts removed, but he did keep just a few female bits. Like a womb. And ovaries. And a vagina. 

Wait a minute...that's a woman, isn't it? 

So basically the story is this: a woman with no breasts dressed as a man had a baby. 

It's a miracle!

Sam Brady Stand-up Comedian

On A Roll

Bloody hell I did it again!

Last night I beat the gong at the Maze Club in Nottingham.

It was a lovely gig. The Maze Club is tiny - a little room with about 60 people crammed into it and a neat little stage in the corner. I didn't know what to expect as I had already formed the belief that I don't do well with small audiences (based, very rationally, on the evidence of one bad night in Liverpool).

I did exactly the same set as the night before with exactly the same results which was extremely satisfying. I now feel I've got a solid five minute set to build on.

The format was similar to Beat the Frog except that, before the clap-off, every act who had beaten the gong got one more minute to make the audience laugh. This is good if you are on first as it gives you a chance to remind the audience of your act before the vote. And I was on first. Again.

I sat and thought about what to do in that final minute. I had 2 short routines in mind, one which was tried and tested and one that I had never done before. I decided that trying new material was more important than trying to win so I went with the new material. I was glad I did because: a) I wouldn't have won anyway - the winner was brilliant and b) I found out that my new material was a bit shit. It got a laugh - but the punchline didn't merit the quite complicated set up and it wasn't up to the standard of my earlier set.

So, all in all, a really successful couple of days. I've achieved my first goal and I've learned loads. I am well chuffed.

Sam Beats the Frog

The Frog is defeated.

Last night I managed for the first time to survive on a gong show. It was a great feeling to hear the winner's music for a change, instead  of "I'm a loserrrrr, so why don't ya kill meeeeeeee".

But the best thing of all was to hear the laughter. It wasn't a full house but there were over 200 people there which made for a good atmosphere.

I used some of the usual material but sharpened it up a bit and was pleased with how it went. I did: Prison; Buddhism; Catholic School; and Boob Jobs.

It was exciting to do some Buddhist stuff as this is something I want to work more into the act. It went down really well. The Boob Jobs routine went down a storm - I thought one woman in the front row was going to have to be carried out. It may be puerile, but hey, it works. Some people think it's old fashioned - I prefer to call it postmodern.

I didn't win the clap off - in fact I my applause level was fairly underwhelming. But I comfort myself with the fact that I was on first and after eleven acts, two hours and several pints, most people had probably forgotten me.

It was also nice to have my mate Manjunaga in the audience.

Bonus Appearance at the Frog

Just got a last minute booking at The Frog & Bucket gong show for tonight!

I don't feel very well-prepared and it seems like ages since that last difficult night at a gong show in Liverpool, but what the hell. You have to take the gigs when they come along.

I was planning on going along as part of the audience anyway tonight so this is a smashing surprise.

Tomorrow I have another gong show in Nottingham so it will be interesting to do two on the bounce. Hopefully I can learn things tonight that I can carry over into tomorrow's gig.

So here we go. Another chance to make a dick of myself in front of 300 people. Some conservative MPs pay good money for this kind of humiliation.

Can't wait.

Obamarama

I've been watching the wall to wall coverage of the Presidential election this morning. Here is what I learned.

1. The USA has elected its first black president. (hooraaaay!)

2. Things are going to change! (hooraaaay!)

3. His grandma is dead (aaaawwwww)

4. He is going to buy a puppy! (hooraaaay!)

Meanwhile, I was very impressed by our own Prime Minister this morning who appeared on TV looking like he had slept rough on a belly full of whiskey. There couldn't have been a bigger contrast between the glamour, excitement and optimism of Obama's speech and the sight of our Gordon in a creased suit with that great gawping jaw hanging open. I almost expected him to cry "See you Jimmy!" and nut the cameraman.

I am also running a book today on how many times David Cameron can say the word "change" today. He is trying to equate himself with Obama on the grounds that they both represent "Change". 

But there's good change and bad change. Example: A man trades his car in for a new BMW. Meanwhile his neighbour drives his car into a lamp-post. Both men have changed their car. 

Change isn't always good. Just because our neighbours got an upgrade, doesn't mean we want a car crash.

As for scruffy Gordon, the only change he wants is 10p for a cup of tea.

Rant over. I'll bid you good day.

A bit of forward planning

Ten days until my gig at the Nottingham Maze.

I've decided to do some work on structuring my set. I've noticed I have a habit of constantly coming up with new material and not giving any thought to how it all fits together. Then, on the day of a gig, I suddenly panic as I start to try and piece it together into a cohesive act.

My last gig suffered because of this. I was still trying to decide which material to do and in what order when the compere introduced me. 

This gig is another Gong Show. You get 2 minutes grace on this one before the crowd decide whether to keep you on or get rid. So now I need to concetrate on how I structure that 2 minutes in such a way that I can make them like me, build a sense of community in the room, and get them laughing before the red cards start to go up.

How hard can that be?

To ill to die

Unfortunately I had to pull out of King Gong tonight with a stinking cold. 

I'm very disappointed not to be facing the usual howls of derision from the Comedy Store crowd, which I find far preferable to aching limbs and a runny nose.

I was going to write this post about the Brand and Ross affair but I reckon enough has been said about what was basically a really crap joke. So I can't be arsed.

I think I'll go and take a paracetamol.

Identity Crisis

Yesterday I found myself in Oxford with time to kill before catching a train. So I decided to use the time to try and develop my on-stage character a bit.

A comedian's stage persona is often very different from how they are in "real life". I know one comedian who is really vivacious and friendly, but his comedy style is deadpan and on stage he portrays himself as a neurotic intravert. Another guy I know is the opposite - intense and serious off-stage, carefree and whimsical on-stage.

An identifiable stage character will create the right context for my material. For instance, Jimmy Carr's character is an impeccably well-dressed, well-spoken, slightly superior, middle-class Englishman. In real life Jimmy has a strong Glaswegian accent and his father was a docker.
OK I made that last bit up, but Jimmy isn't as posh as he makes out - it just allows him to tell jokes like: I'm middle class, but I'm hard. Al dente, you might say. 

As Tony Cannelloni, I had this sorted. Character comedy allows you to very quickly establish your character's angle and let's the audience know where you're coming from. When Tony says he has sung in all the great venues, you know he probably means the Labour Club and the Britsh Legion. But doing it without the wig and the medallion is a bit more tricky. I don't really know who Sam Brady is yet, and this makes it more difficult to write material.

Anyway, to get to the point... I went around Oxford yesterday looking in charity shops for clothes, asking myself, how does Sam the stand-up dress? Who is this guy?

I was getting nowhere really and then I passed a Specsavers. I went in and tried on some glasses. And I think it worked. Suddenly a new Sam was peering back at me in the mirror. 

I said to the bemused assistant, "If you have perfect vision but you still want glasses, does it make them cheaper?" Eventually we established that it doesn't.

I'm not sure about the glasses or anything else yet. But I feel a new Sam is about to emerge soon, like an alien from the belly of a space station engineer.

If you have any thoughts about who Sam is, let me know.

I was sent this today by a friend and thought I would share it.

It's a great talk on the phenomenon of UFOs and alien encounters which ties in with a routine I am working on about beliefs and opinions.

I liked it. Hope you do too.

Hoping for a Happy New Year in Chorlton

I've just agreed a booking at Mirth on Monday in Chorlton at the Iguana Bar for 5th January.

I'm looking forward to this as I used to live in Chorlton and have quite a few friends there.

It's also part of my decision to try and move away from Gong Shows during the first quarter of 2009. This gig is a 10 minute spot supporting more experienced comedians so it' a much better environment for learning (possibly the hard way).

I'll probably still have to fill in the gaps in my diary with a few gong shows. Hopefully I'll get some spots on Beat The Frog, which I love. 

Beat The Frog World Series

Last night I went to the Final of Beat the Frog: World Series at the Frog & Bucket in Manchester. This is the climax of a knockout competition between everyone who won a Beat the Frog gong show during the year.

The standard was high and it was great to see some acts I know well really raising their game. In particular I thought Andrew Ryan was fantastic with his Irish take on living in England - he is so likeable on stage. (Even though he was actually completely shitting himself,  you wouldn't have known it.) Andrew came second which was a considerable achievement but he could easily have won it.

The winner was Sam Gore from Leeds, whose continuous improvement I have also witnessed over the past six months. He really nailed it.

It's really encouraging to see people progress. It makes me aware of how good I could get. I was pleased for them both, but if I make the final next year, I hope they die on their arses.

Lessons Learned from the night:

1. Never pinch other people's material - even if the audience don't spot it, other comics will.

2. The later you appear on the bill in a Gong Show the better your chance of winning - drunk people have short memories.

3. I can be as good as these guys if I keep working at it.

THE GAG BANK

In response to Guy's idea that there be a central post against which anyone can add a comment with their comedy idea, here it is.

I started to completely over-engineer this, setting up a forum and all sorts. Then I thought, Bollocks, What am I playing at and just added this post instead.

All thoughts, musings, etc, gratefully stolen...er...I mean...received.

Thanks
Sam

Read the Comments

If you a reading this blog (which you obviously are) then here's a top tip.

Read the comments that people leave. They are generally the best bits.

Cheers

Sam

Everyone has an Opinion

Some of the funnyiest writing is funny because it draws out the absurdity of human behaviour. We really are a bunch of plonkers.

For instance, we are all very good at having opinions. Opinions are great. They are particularly useful in the absence of any knowledge, understand or facts.

Take the "Credit Crunch" for example. (Alliteration is another fabulous thing but I'll save that for another day.) The economy is amazingly complicated and boring. Not even the top economists seem to really understand how it works. Politicians don't have the concentration span to understand it. Bankers don't need to understand it (they get paid anyway). And the rest of us don't give two hoots about it until we are queuing up outside our bankrupt building society trying to withdraw our savings.

Yet, despite this shortage of understanding, the torrent of opinions on the subject never seems to dry up. It's the bankers' fault! It's Gordon Brown! It's Margaret Thatcher! We should privatise the banks! We should go war with Iceland! Blah blah blah.

It's the same with the environment. I don't think anyone really knows what the hell is going on. But there is no shortage of opinions.

Pick any subject - War in Iraq, Education, Madonna's marriage, Kerry Katona's waistline. A scarcity of facts and a wealth of opinions.

Sorry if you were hoping this blog would be funny by the way.

I just wanted to introduce the topic and see if any of you have any thoughts on it before I start to develop this idea further. What do you think? Is there some material here?

Thanks

I really appreciate the support I am getting for this blog and so I'm going to thank some people. If you don't like gushy speeches, stop reading now.

Thanks to Guy for his consistently useful feedback. And thanks to Mary for coming to the Comedy Store.

Thanks to my future mother-in-law, Judy, for her love and for the newspaper supplement on How To Write Comedy which was really good.

Thanks to Sally for her long-distance enthusiasm from Argentina.

Thanks to my mate Tony for listening to my half-baked comic ideas all weekend.

And thanks to Jane for her ever-patient, ever-honest, ever-supportive response to my prancing about the house doing funny voices and asking, "Is this funny?"

And thanks to my daughter Lottie for telling me in no uncertain terms when something isn't funny.

And thanks to my Mum and Dad whose blind faith in my ability to do just about anything seems to be inexhaustible contrary to all the evidence.

New Material

The past couple of days I've been working on some new material.

It's a fun process but it's pretty laborious. I generally start out with some idea or impression that strikes me as absurd. Then I try to scribble down my thoughts on the subject - anything at all that comes into my head. Then, maybe the next day, I sift through the notes looking for themes or ideas I can develop.

Some days I don't feel at all funny and it's like drawing teeth.

Yesterday I was writing about disabled parking spaces. Whenever I go into a car park it's always full - apart from about 90 unused disabled spaces. Why is this? What has Warrington done with it's disabled people?

Or is it forward planning? Are we expecting a massive rise in the number of disabled people over the next few years. Perhaps Warrington is trying to attract disabled people for some reason - maybe it has ambitions to become the Special Olympic Village in 2012.

Any other suggestions welcome.

One thing I found out was that morbidly obese people can get a badge to park in disabled spaces. I guess that's why they make the spaces so wide. And nearer to the shops - less time to get to Greggs.

The difficulty here is that I don't want to sound like I'm having a pop at disabled people. I'm not. It's more of a pensive look at the mysterious world of town planning.

Some other thoughts: it's wrong of me to say that wheelchair users are disabled - they are differently abled. I am able to walk. They are able to park on a double yellow.

Ho hum. It's not easy this, you know.

Peter Kay has lost the plot

Just for the record, Peter Kay's new tv show Britain's Got the Pop Factor and Possibly a new Jesus Christ Superstar Soapstar Strictly On Ice was total pants!

The only funny thing about it was the title.

After that it was overhyped, unimaginative and unfunny. It didn't work as a spoof because whatever they did, it wasn't any more absurd than the real thing. In the end he had to resort to someone choking to death on set in order to do something that hadn't already happened on the real shows.

Peter Kay is a brilliant stand-up and a naturally funny man. But whoever told him this was funny wants shooting.

Maybe he has just been surrounded by too many Yes men.

Peter. Sorry. It was crap. Find some new people to write with.

(I'm free most weekends, by the way...)

The Great Gig Drought of 2008

Getting gigs isn't easy. There aren't that many opportunities and there's a lot of competition for bookings.

I'm a bit annoyed with myself at the moment as I was offered 3 gigs at the Frog & Bucket (my favourite venue so far) for November and December. I normally check my email about twice a day but for some reason I didn't check it at all on Monday. By the time I responded on Tuesday they had already given all 3 bookings to someone else. That's it now until next year for the Frog.

From now on I'll be more diligent. Anyway I am on the case and am hoping to get about 10 bookings for the first quarter of next year which is about as many as I can do.

In the meantime I guess the gig drought will give me a bit of time to reflect on what I have learned and to write some new material. And to have hours of fun bouncing about in front of a mirror with a mic telling myself jokes. 

Life is good.

Another gig, another lesson

This post is a bit of an epic, so settle down with a cup of tea.

Last night I did a gong show called Rawhide Raw in Liverpool at the Royal Court Theatre. That's not as grand as it may sound - the gig was actually in the downstairs bar to about 60 or 70 people.

As gong shows go it's a pretty good one for learning the trade. 

For a start, it's a small crowd and small crowds are much more difficult to warm up. They are more self-conscious about laughing out loud and you have to get most of them laughing before you get a critical mass. With a bigger crowd of say 250, you only need 20% of them to laugh and it lifts everyone else. So a smaller crowd is a much better measure of how good (or bad) you really are - there's nowhere to hide.

Also, the format at Rawhide is different. You get five minutes grace before the audience are allowed to gong you, which gives you time to try out material and to build rapport. This is invaluable stage time.

So how did I get on? Well the bell sounded to mark the end of my 5 minute grace period. And then the gong sounded one second later and I left the stage. I might be exaggerating - it may have been less than a second.

What went wrong? 

1. I didn't establish rapport with the audience.

2. My opening line fell flat on its face.

3. Some of my jokes were shit.

4. I think I scared the girls in the front row.

What went well?

1. I now have a few gags that have worked every time - that's a good start.

2. I also have a few that have consistently bombed and will never see the light of day again.

3. I got a very big (and prolonged) laugh for an ad-lib. I am good at them and I now realise I need to be a bit more spontaneous.

4. I wasn't nervous and I didn't feel humiliated when I didn't get a laugh - just a bit frustrated

5. I still want to be a comedian.

6. I did actually get a few good laughs.

What next?

1. I need to work at rapport - I think I'm a bit preachy on stage. I need to connect more and to relax a bit and smile once in a while.

2. I need a solid gold opening line - I had a really bad start last night.

3. I need to ditch about 50% of my material and sharpen up the other 50%

Better get on with it then.

Oops! There goes gravity!

I'm still a bit confused about what happened last night at the Comedy Store.

It would be wrong of me to say that I went down well - having been booed off the stage after 1 minute 28 seconds. But being booed is a lot better than being greeted by silence and walking off to the sound of your own footsteps. And I did get some laughs.

But the whole event was very different from what I expected. 

The first thing that threw me was the lack of intro music. I have always walked on to loud music which helps lift the crowd and kick-start the act. But instead the acts walked on to a thin smattering of applause. 

The second thing that sent me off balance was the unfamiliar character of the audience - so different from anything I have experienced before.

I anticipated hecklers - and I was kind of ready for it. But the hecklers didn't really materialise. Instead a kind of slightly prissy, moralistic air hung over the place, with murmurs of disapproval gradually swelling into boos.

It wasn't just me - it happened to quite a few of the acts. The minute the material got a bit close to the knuckle, they started moaning and groaning. I felt a bit out of place - like Bernard Manning in a Buddhist Temple. Material that got big laughs at the Frog & Bucket was baulked at. They reacted as if I had just pooed on the stage. (Which I nearly did.)

All the put-downs I had practiced went completely out of the window. Instead, I responded to boos from a particularly vociferous group by telling them to fuck off. Ironically this got my biggest laugh of the night.

At the end of my marathon 1 minute and 28 seconds, I at least amused myself by saying, "But this is me life! It's me dream!" a la X Factor. But, to be honest, it was a bit half-hearted.

My friends, Guy and Mary, came along to watch. Guy summed it up: "I think you misjudged your audience." I think he was right.

Having said all this I wouldn't like to give you the impression that I didn't enjoy myself. It was great fun and a real adrenalin rush. I feel determined to win those buggers over and I can't wait to go back next month for another go  - but maybe with different material.

Hoping for a better day

Yesterday stank.

I spent the morning being given a humiliating riding lesson by a stubborn horse who was determined to show me who was boss. The afternoon was marred by a last minute goal and a home defeat for my football team, Wigan Athletic. And in the evening we went to Old Trafford in the pouring rain to see my rugby team St Helens outwitted, outmuscled and...well...beaten in the Superleague Grand Final.

It's weird how a string of disappointments can knock your confidence - even when there is nothing you could have done to change the outcome.  I'm having to give myself a bit of a talking to today.

It wasn't helped by the riding instructor who told me that the horse would do what I told it because it could detect my "intravert behaviours" a mile off. I'm seriously hoping that the seasoned hecklers at the Comedy Store tonight are more easily fooled.

Frog & Bucket, 15 Sep 2008

Yesterday I got my hands on this picture of me at the Frog & Bucket on 15th September, when I was ten seconds short of Beating the Frog.

I think this is the "sexual confession" routine where I attempt to look shamefaced and slightly defensive. But if you look closely at my mouth you might notice that I can't resist a very slight smirk as I anticipate my own punchline. If only everybody enjoyed my jokes as much as I do.

I look quite bald as well. Must be the lights.

Rehearsing My Set for the Comedy Store

Spent my lunch break today prancing round the kitchen, mic in hand, delivering my set to the cooker and the fridge. The response was mixed: they didn't laugh, but then again they didn't heckle. (Although I thought I caught them exchanging wry glances once or twice.)

Basically I have a Plan A, a Plan B and a Plan C for Sunday at the Comedy Store...

Plan A: Do the same set I did at the Frog and Bucket but with a few tweaks and a few new gags. Topics on which I plan to hold forth: Life behind bars; Computers that can apologise; Breast englargement (and the dangers therein); Marital strife.

Plan B: If the crowd get too rowdy, my (somewhat ambitious) plan is to turn the hecklers against each other using some clever Derren Brown-like psychological trickery.

Plan C: Put it down to experience.

Whatever happens I can scarcely contain my excitement. I'm cockahoop.

Another Gig Booked In

I've had a bit of trouble getting more gigs. It's not easy.

Thankfully I just got one in Liverpool. I shall be gracing the stage at the Royal Court Theatre. Well, actually, I'll be playing in the downstairs bar, but you've got to start somewhere.

It's good because it comes only three days after the Comedy Store, so it will give me a chance to get back in the saddle after a mawling from the Mancs. Unless of course I then also get a mawling from the Scousers.

No no don't think like that! Think positive!

I am a comedy genius! Honest.

Monday Night at the Frog & Bucket

Last night I went to the Frog and Bucket in Manchester, just to watch the acts and hang out with the comedians.

It was a good night and I met some interesting characters - Joseph Pearce, for example, whose hobby is to appear on crap tv shows and take the piss. He already appeared on The Worst of Britains Got Talent where his plan to spray Simon Cowell in the face with a fire extinguisher was sadly foiled. Coming up are appearances on Trisha, when he comes on in a spangly thong with 2 CDs superglued to his arse, and some daft talent show on the Wedding Channel where he does fire stunts with cardboard cut-outs of fire. Unfortunately his stand-up needs a bit of work, but he didn't seem to care. To him it's all just a distraction from his humdrum day job - cycling naked through hoops of fire on a BMX bike.

The star of the night though was Andrew Ryan - one of the best new comics I have seen. Andrew's on-stage persona is a wide-eyed and bewildered Irishman abroad. Off-stage he is quite intense and very serious about his comedy. He won the night and is through to the National Final.

I talked to a few people about the Gong show I am doing at the Comedy Store on Sunday. There were quite a few sharp intakes of breath. Apparently the compere whips the crowd up into a frenzy of hatred then throws the comedian on like a slave to the lions. Nice.

I'll keep practising my put-downs.

Heckled in my Sleep

Today I find myself fantasizing about abusive encounters with strangers. No, I'm not talking about night-time leather-clad backstreet shennanigans - I am talking about hecklers.

Last night I dreamed I was being savaged by hecklers. Now it's all I can think about.

It's this Comedy Store gig - it's really on my mind. I keep trying to anticipate what people might shout out and thinking about what put downs I can fire back at them.

I can't help thinking that this is not particularly conducive to a peaceful state of mind - thinking up the worst insults I can give to people I have never met.

But it's important to remember that this is just a game. When people heckle, they are signalling that they want to play. I just have to get better at the game than them.

Sadly, I probably won't get better at this "game" by sitting here thinking about it. The only way is to take a few beatings and to keep coming back.

Bring it on!

Preparing for the Comedy Store

Less than a week until my first King Gong at the Comedy Store and I am starting to feel a bit apprehensive.

I keep hearing and reading things like "King Gong at the Comedy Store is a real snake pit" and "what a pack of wolves" and "we are not c**ts like the Comedy Store". Scary.

But I keep reminding myself that the purpose of the gig is to get the experience of playing to a tough crowd, dealing with hecklers and, possibly, dying on my arse.

It's something I have to go through if I want to develop as a comedian - I might as well just get on with it.

Getting into Character

In these formative days of my development as a comedy legend, I am still trying to find my own style.

I started out doing character comedy as Wigan club-singer has-been, Tony Cannelloni. This was an easy way in as I could hide behind the costume, put on a strong accent and simply be someone else.

These days I don't wear a funny wig and fake chest hair, but I have still carried over a lot of the Tony C persona into my act. My on-stage personality is that of an incredulous middle-aged man who rants on about other people's foolishness. (Okay, so it's not much of a stretch, dramatically.)

The problem is, I wonder if audiences warm to me. They seemed to love Tony Cannelloni - even when he wasn't funny. But, these days, I get the sense that, although a large part of my audiences laugh, there are other portions of the audience who are tense - even hostile.

I must admit that a lot of my material to date has been fairly crude. And the ranting middle-aged man persona might come across as aggressive - even misogynistic.

So today I am standing in front of a full length mirror, microphone in hand, trying to do my act with a smile on my face, to inject a certain friendliness and softness into the act.

But bizarrely, as soon as I start to soften the style, I go all camp! What is going on? I'm turning into cross between Julian Clary and Peter Kay. Suddenly a whole new side of me emerges that I'm not entirely comfortable with.

Questions arise: Is this some hidden side of me trying to fight it's way out? Is the whole basis of my identity in question?

But most importantly of all - is it funny? Sadly not. Hmmm. Back to the drawing board.

Can't Wait to Get Back On Stage

It's been a couple of weeks since my last performance and I am itching to get up there and have another go. It's such a massive buzz.

So far I have done 2 "gong shows" in Manchester at the Frog and Bucket. The challenge is to survive 5 minutes on stage before the audience vote to remove you. The first time I did a creditable 3 minutes 50. The second time I was close - 4 minutes 50.

I am really excited about getting up there again and am busy contacting venues to try to cadge a spot. Russel Brand reckons you should do 200 gigs before you decide if you want to be a stand-up. So I've got a fair way to go.

Anyway, so far I have done ok and I know that there is a lot if improvement in me. So let's see.